


Lost Once, Found Again

by somebodyloving



Series: What Is It Like To Feel? [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angelic Grace/Human Soul Bonds, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Fear of Discovery, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Hurt/Comfort, Inner Struggles, M/M, Mentions of the Events from the Previous Part, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Season/Series 11 AU, Season/Series 11 Spoilers, fear of attachment, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:00:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8402653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodyloving/pseuds/somebodyloving
Summary: Once, emotions had been something very foreign for Castiel. So many strange feelings and reactions; thirst, hunger, sense of abandonment, anger and disappointment mixed with longing for home and family, then friends as well – Sam and Dean. Castiel knew almost everything about Dean. Before the angel lost his powers, he could feel Dean’s soul and see its warmth, bright light anytime they had been in close proximity to each other. Oh, he hadn’t known what it had been back then. What it had meant to see, and especially feel, it. And now it was too late, wasn't it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Čeština available: [Jednou Ztracen, Znovu Nalezen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8415262) by [somebodyloving](https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodyloving/pseuds/somebodyloving)



> To all newcomers,
> 
> if you haven't read the first part of this series and you don't mind Sabriel relationship, I recommend you to read it first before this. There are spoilers which could eventually ruin your experience of the first part, and some things might not make sense to you without it (at first at least). That being said, I'll try to write this in a way that you won't need to read the first part and you discover certain facts when the right time comes. But... I can't guarantee that you won't be confused at times. Thanks for understanding :).
> 
> Hello everyone,
> 
> this is my attempt to write the second fanfic of the series What Is It Like To Feel. This one will focus on Destiel relationship. If you expect me to write Sabriel in this, well, I guess you'll be disappointed. It's mentioned, but not the main point of the story. Some events in this fanfic happened at the time when Sam and Gabe were getting to know each other during all those three months and more, but this story describes especially the time AFTER. There are flashbacks, etc.
> 
> I just thought that I should probably write something about Dean and Cas when I didn't tell you much about them in the previous part.
> 
> I'm not sure if I continue. This is just a start, a small glimpse into what I have in mind, but of course, it will depend on what you, readers, think about it :). Your opinion matters and I like comments and discussion with people. I'd like to know what you think. Well, there's a chance that I'll change this or not continue, but... we'll see :).
> 
> And the soundtrack for this piece is? [The Who - Behind Blue Eyes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfuWXRZe9yA) The original. I guess you know the cover by Limp Bizkit?
> 
> I'd very much appreciate your opinion, comments, but of course kudos and hits are appreciated too :).

# Prologue

It was an early morning and there was slight dew glistening on the leaves of grass and trees. The branches of pines in the further corner of the park were bending under the weight of drops of water after the soft morning rain. Paths in the park were damp; puddles here and there mirrored the grey sky above. It was a cloudy morning and the sun didn’t shine through so there weren’t many people jogging in the park.

Castiel was sitting on one of the wooden benches in the park while thinking what to do with his very long life. Now, that he had gotten the angelic powers back, weakened, but they were there, his grace was mend together again, the angel could fly short distances and heal a bit and feel people’s prayers faintly, the same as before everything had gone to hell, literally.

What to do now? What should he do, where should he go? These questions had been occupying his mind for many Earth’s days. Castiel didn’t perceive the time in the same way as humans, but he had got so used to it that he actually didn’t know how else to count the time spent among earthlings. Castiel had been one of them for a while after all, and after the angel had got his powers back, it had been such a weird sensation that he almost didn’t know what to do with it. There was no clear purpose after everything what had happened _that_ day. Castiel had abandoned the only person he should protect – Sam. The angel couldn’t stay with him in a place where he had finally realized what it was he felt. He had made a promise to the most precious person he had known, but just a second in the bunker and everything had gone to hell. What an angel he was, breaking promises just like that, without so much than remorse and shrug of his shoulders.

Castiel shivered, the feathers of his healed wings rustled as they were rubbing against each other, invisible for the human eye. He had missed them, their complete presence with their angelic glory. The angel shouldn’t feel it but it was cold in the park and his human body somehow couldn’t keep the warmth inside. His grace was colder than he remembered, as if he had lost something that had made it more warm and open to Heaven. The glow of it wasn’t as bright as before, and he knew that the reason for it wasn’t the fact that he had lost it once.

Once, to feel had been something very foreign for Castiel. So many strange feelings and reactions; thirst, hunger, sense of abandonment, anger and disappointment mixed with longing for home and family, then friends as well – Sam and Dean. It had been a hardship to start feeling such emotions as an angel, even more so as a human when Castiel hadn’t known how to function as one of them. The angel knew that it had been something like a punishment for his errors and misjudgement towards others around him. Trusting demons, trying to save the world without any help or advice, just by himself. Dean had been right so many times that he couldn’t even count how many instances he had failed him, or anyone who had relied on him to know what had been right. Castiel still couldn’t understand what had led his father to keep resurrecting him, returning him back into the world. So that he could make more misdoings than before? Dean had tried to tell him that it was normal, it was human, but at that time Castiel hadn’t even known what being human had meant.

It wasn’t easy. Human lives were so fragile and short, and still, they knew how to live to the fullest. When Castiel had realized what it had been to possess free will, to decide for himself what to do with his life, how to live it, to be wrong once in a while – or in his case, many times – it had been a shock. At first, it had been infuriating and frightening at the same time. The angel had fulfilled the orders from the archangels for ages and he had never thought about the consequences or that they hadn’t been always right. As the majority of angels, Castiel had been brought up to do what his Father or archangels had said and that had been it. But after realizing that not all orders had been good, his life had changed so much that now he wouldn’t recognize himself. And all of that had been the result of saving one human soul from perdition. One very special soul, the brightest Castiel had ever seen in his millennia-long life.

Dean... What to say about Dean and his actions, his warm heart and brave and righteous character so he could express even the smallest part of his beautiful personality. Castiel knew almost everything about Dean. Before the angel lost his powers, he could feel Dean’s soul and see its warmth, bright light anytime they had been in close proximity to each other. Oh, he hadn’t known what it had been back then. What it had meant to see, and especially feel, it. Castiel had just thought that it had been caused by his rebuilding Dean’s body after saving him from hell. Little by little, the angel had realized that there had been a profound bond between them, something he would have never expected as an angel. But then it had happened without warning. Every time Castiel had lied to Dean, or Sam for that matter, he had felt this strange, anxious pulse within his vessel’s body, his palms had got clammy and he hadn’t been able to look the older hunter into his eyes. It had been betrayal towards Dean and Sam, something you wouldn’t do to good friends, to someone Castiel had considered his family. Why had he done it? And so many times? These questions had been eating on him for years and Castiel had still lied to Dean afterwards. Of course, the last one had been a way how to save Dean from himself, but it was a betrayal nevertheless, hurting one person he could never imagine to lose, ever.

That had been it, he had felt worry that he would lose Dean’s friendship. And oh, how hurt Castiel had felt when Dean had kicked him out of the bunker after Sam’s trials. And even though the angel now knew that he had got a very good reason for doing it – Sam, Dean’s brother, had been in danger – Castiel’s heart had still ached after leaving them without anything, without any knowledge how to live as a human, to go through every human sensation and need possible without help, without guidance or safe place to live through all the difficulties he was going to experience.

Being human wasn’t easy. Being an angel, having this long life ahead of himself and feeling this pain within himself, this ache burying deep inside of him, sinking into his grace and encircling every inch of it like a thorny rope, squeezing it firmly into a small ball of sadness and regret, that was excruciating. How was he going to survive, Castiel had no idea.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I know, I've neglected this little thing for too long. So I thought I should probably get back to it, right? If you've already read any of my stories, you know that I love slowburn and angst, and these kind of things. If you're prepared to read something quite long and don't mind the slow pace of my writing, I'll be very glad to see you here every two weeks (I guess) with an update.
> 
> I hope you'll like it and if you want to share your opinion on something, don't hesitate and let me know. I appreciate any kind of support from you, guys :). I assure you!
> 
> P.S.: I'm sorry in advance for putting a lot of Gabriel into the story. I'm Gabriel trash. Wait a minute. I'm not sorry for that! :D I'll try to tame my urge to write him everywhere :D.
> 
> I love this song and I always think about my OTPs! [Arctic Monkeys - I Wanna Be Yours](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4NGoS330HE)

# Chapter 1

 

"Cas? What are you doing here?" The deep voice said from behind him - _Dean's voice_ – raspy with sleep. The hunter hadn’t startled Castiel, though, as the angel had recognized his footsteps echoing in the hallway, coming right into the common room of the bunker where he was sitting in the dark. Castiel turned around in the chair to face the older hunter, shifting slightly to adjust the awkward angle that their positions made. The angel blinked once but in that millisecond his grace had managed to look over Dean's soul, bathing in its light. But he couldn't... not yet. If ever.

"Oh, Dean," Castiel answered quickly, confused a little bit by his inner thoughts, "I didn't know you are awake." His eyes flickered around, a nervous tick he had adapted as a human, as if he had been caught stealing.

"Well," Dean hesitated, lazily scratching the stubble on his right cheek, but then he shook his head slightly, sighing deeply, "I couldn't sleep. I just..." the hunter paused again, his eyes searching and examining the room, not quite meeting Castiel's as if embarrassed he was talking about himself with the angel, "Never mind," Dean finally said as he rubbed his face several times over to awake his senses. Then he sat at the table, just into the opposite chair to Castiel's. Silence surrounded them for a few beats. Neither of them knew what to say to the other.

"So? Are you gonna tell me why are you sitting here in the dark? Are you guarding us all of a sudden, like a guardian angel or something?" Dean said with a laugh at his own joke, averting his gaze at a book lying on the table, probably left by Sam when he had been reading it before sleep. Castiel smiled slightly at the hunter's attempt to start the conversation in a less serious tone.

"I wish-," Castiel started at the revelation he had made out loud. No. He couldn't say what he felt. He couldn't say what troubled him. Apparently, Dean was even more perceptive than the angel thought as he recognized his reluctance to continue.

"You know, Cas. If something's ruffled your feathers in a bad way, you can tell me. Talk to us, man," Dean stressed, trying to urge the angel to say the truth but it was more complicated than just _talking it out_ as the hunter would have said. This was so much more, beyond his comprehension. Castiel just couldn't admit all the feelings that were raging within his vessel as his grace pulsated with energy around Dean, as his vessel's heart beat wildly upon hearing Dean's deep, rough voice after waking up. _Oh, dear Father, what is happening to me?_ Castiel asked pleadingly in a prayer to God even though he knew that He was gone.

"Hello? Cas? Earth to Cas," Dean called to him, waving his hand in front of his eyes, as he tried to bring him back from his haze; a dangerous train of thoughts.

"Yes, Dean? I'm sorry. What did you say?" Castiel inquired hastily, trying to mask his hesitation and the slight quiver of his voice. He couldn't even control reactions of his body anymore. Luckily, Dean didn't notice, chuckling over his absence of mind and thus making Castiel's grace screaming in want. _No, NO. I can't._ Castiel battled with his inner self, hardly hiding his struggle from Dean who was sitting on the opposite side of the table, watching him intently as if trying to determine the cause of the angel's weird behaviour. Castiel knew that he had acted strangely around the brothers in the past few weeks, sometimes finding himself sitting alone in the dark, locked up in his own mind and unable to focus on anything else around him. There was something very wrong with him. Castiel understood that his human body desired the contact of another being, and he had felt it before when he had been forced to live alone as a human. But now he had his grace back and he shouldn't have been feeling this, not like this. What had changed since that time?

"Cas, you're zoning out on me again. You sure you're okay?" Dean asked worriedly, leaning over the table and making the distance smaller between them, and more unbearable for the angel. Castiel was losing his control over everything. So he stood up abruptly, not quite meeting Dean's eyes and putting his hands into the pockets of his trenchcoat.

"Yes, I apologize. I have something to do, somewhere in Heaven...," Castiel blurted out, so unlike him, even he could recognize what a stupid excuse he had made in front of someone who had heard so many lies in his life that he would have seen through it from miles away. But before Castiel could see the betrayal, surely coming, in Dean's eyes, he took off and flew far, far away from the bunker. Somewhere he wouldn't have to pretend that everything was alright with him, that he wasn't hiding anything, that he wasn't lying to Dean again.

***

Castiel was sitting on the peak of a mountain, watching the Sun rose up above the horizon, contemplating his actions earlier when he felt a gentle wind blowing through his hair. The angel sensed him then, the glorious and blinding grace of an archangel.

"Yo, little bro. What are you doing here? Moping again?" Gabriel said, mocking him. Castiel turned his head to his left and saw the archangel snap his fingers and conjure a candy bar into existence.

"I'm not moping," Castiel said, annoyed. He wanted to be left alone and his brother wouldn't help him anyway. The fact that he had started a sexual relationship with Sam didn't give him any right to mock him.

"Oh, but you are. Everyone who has eyes can see it. What's going on, Castiel?" Gabriel asked and there was honesty in those words, which surprised the angel and he didn't know how to react to that, "Talk to me. What's going on?" Gabriel pressed and Castiel could actually feel the worry seeping through Gabriel's vessel from his grace. The archangel tried to conceal most of his grace's reactions, but sometimes it got through and showed everyone who could see that he cared. Castiel was still getting used to it. The angel had admitted some time ago that Sam was really good for Gabriel and maybe, just maybe, he could convince his older brother to return to Heaven and help him rebuild it. But with all those disturbing feelings occupying his mind, Castiel had hard time to deal with his own problems. He didn't have enough strength to start this conversation with his brother.

"I’m not obligated to discuss personal matters with you, Gabriel,” Castiel said determinedly. Gabriel sighed, shaking his head slightly, as he finished the last piece of the candy bar he had been eating. For a few moments they were silent, just thinking and watching the scenery unfolding in front of them.

“Castiel, I know that I’m not exactly the right person giving you advice, but trust me when I say, it’s gonna be hell of a lot more difficult trying to deal with those foreign feelings alone. And I know that because…,” Gabriel stopped for a few seconds, hesitating, his eyes searching for the right words, Castiel could sense his reluctance to talk about his own experience with such strong emotions, “Because I’ve gone through this and it was frustrating, exhausting but in the end very rewarding and… really, really worth the pain and fear,” Gabriel finished with a deep exhale despite not needing to breathe at all. Castiel looked at his older brother in awe and surprise that Gabriel had admitted such feelings, raw and true. It was strange to see Gabriel so vulnerable, but it had also given the angel a taste of brotherly closeness and friendship he had seen between Dean and Sam numerous times. After a few contemplative minutes, Gabriel turned to him, smirking mischievously, as his familiar playful expression appeared on his face, and he slapped the angel a few times on the left side of his back in a friendly manner, that Castiel had recognized right away, seeing the Winchesters do that as well very often.

“So, little bro, stop with that sour face of yours and come back. Dean’s complaints and pining are really getting on my nerves. Do something about it, for Father’s sake. It’s annoying,” Gabriel whined loudly like a petulant child he was, though even Castiel could say that the archangel was faking his annoyance. The angel nodded affirmation subtly despite the fact that he didn’t understand Gabriel’s remark about Dean. He hadn’t been away for that long for Gabriel to witness such behaviour from Dean.

“Oh, and for the record. You’ve been on the run for a week, just saying. Stop running, Castiel. It’s useless and I should know something about it, wouldn’t you say?” Gabriel said with a serious tone in his voice, and then he winked at him with his familiar smirk and disappeared without a sound. Dread ran through Castiel’s body as he realized how long he had stayed away from the bunker, thinking about his own feelings had completely engulfed him. How quickly time had passed by.

The angel closed his eyes, facing the Sun directly, trying to calm the nervousness spreading through him. Why was he so anxious about coming back and facing Dean again? He had done or said nothing wrong when he had left that day - _a week ago -_ his inner voice had supplied and actually given him exactly the reason for his uneasiness. Castiel stood up with determination in his mind, spreading his wings wide as he prepared to fly to the bunker. Maybe he should apologize? But for what?

***

“Fuck. Cas,” Dean exclaimed, startled, his pulse elevated as his heart was beating wildly with shock. Castiel could see his soul change the colours abruptly with his angelic sight, “What did I tell you about this. I’m giving you a bell or something,” the hunter growled, breathing in and out deeply to calm his pulse down, pressing his right palm on his chest. Fortunately, he wasn’t drinking anything at that moment. After a few minutes of just standing there and waiting for Dean to calm himself down, Castiel could see the anger bubbling up within Dean’s soul, the red colour melting the usual white.

“Where the hell have you been?” Dean snarled angrily, narrowing his eyes into two thin slits and looking at the angel with suspicion, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I needed some time for myself. I apologize,” Castiel said, a bit startled by Dean’s reaction.

“Dammit, man, we’ve been worried. At least Gabriel has no sense for privacy and told us where you were. Stop doing that,” Dean said, sighing loudly and rubbing his face a few times over to calm his nerves again.

“I don’t know what you mean, stop doing what?” Castiel asked, a bit confused what Dean had meant.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Stop disappearing without a word. You should’ve at least left a message or something. Remember what’d happened the last time you played the hero and didn’t say anything, right?” Dean seemed angry, but the colour of his soul wasn’t blood red anymore, changing into something more tame. But Castiel was more transfixed by the meaning of the hunter’s statement.

“Excuse me? Are you blaming me for trying to help you?” Castiel replied in anger, quite stunned by his own reaction but still, it was justifiable.

“If saying yes to Lucifer is helping…,” Dean rolled his eyes, running his fingers through his short hair.

“What are you implying? That I did it on purpose?” Castiel asked, stopping himself at the last second before he would unintentionally use his true voice.

“What?! No! Of course not. What are you blabbering about. I’m saying that you’d decided by yourself without telling us first, just like that,” Dean hissed in frustration.

“And what would _you_ do? It was our only chance to defeat the Darkness-,” Castiel tried to reason with Dean calmly but was, again, interrupted.

“He was playing you, playing us. Don’t you get it?” Dean cried, throwing his hands into the air.

“At least I have tried to do something about it. You don’t understand how painful it was for me to watch you and I could do nothing, _nothing_ , to help you. Do you think that it was easy for me to yield before him? Do you think that I didn’t regret the decision when I watched him hurt you?” Castiel stopped abruptly, realizing that he had stepped too close to Dean, letting his temper show its dangerous head, and he felt his grace manifesting slightly. Then he saw Dean’s terrified face. The angel stepped back immediately, trying to take the control over his powers back.

“I am sorry, Dean. I-… I must leave,” Castiel blurted out, and with those words, the angel ran again; far, far away, still seeing Dean’s terrified face in front of his eyes as he flew through the air. But no matter where he went, the image had been burnt into his mind forever. What had he done?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I'm really sorry for updating so late. I've been quite busy lately, there was the JIB con in Rome and I still can't get over the fact that it's over :/. I had such a good time there, meeting the boys for the first time. *sigh*
> 
> Anyway, here is an update, finally! Unfortunately, I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter. And maybe it's because my inability to write Dean. So, please, let me know what you think about it. I'd appreciate it a lot.

# Chapter 2

 

"What have you done?!" Gabriel snapped dangerously, closing in on him slowly but with determination and brotherly protectiveness in his glowing eyes. Dean could sense the air crackling with electricity. Well, he was screwed.

"I didn't do anything." Dean said calmly, but within, he was scared shitless.

"So why is Cassie running out of here again!" Gabriel demanded, not going to play nice. That was quite clear from his powerful voice.

"I told him the truth, nothing else," Dean replied, not even trying to lie.

"Oh, and what kind of truth that would be, hmm? You, stupid monkey," Gabriel growled and it was just a bit louder than usual, his true voice flowing into his ordinary, human voice.

"Don't give me that bullshit. He risked his life for nothing-," Dean wanted to explain but was interrupted by the strong shove onto the wall behind him as the archangel pressed him into it like nothing, holding him by the lapels of his shirt.

"You both are idiots. You both fucked up big time. I would've thought you so belong to each other," Gabriel spat out the words as if it were poison, "but I swear if you hurt him, not even Sam would help your case. Think about it for a while. Use that little brain of yours for once and think about what you've said," the archangel hissed the words out warningly, almost in the whisper but not quite. The glasses in the kitchen were shaking and clinking against each other as the glimpse of archangelic power had affected the whole room. Dean didn't even take a breath as he was again terrified of the angels' strength. But they never did see through it. These two beings were strangely still helping them and living with them, sporadically. Gabriel stared him down for a few more seconds and then let go of his shirt. He stepped back and with a snap of his fingers disappeared, probably some place where Sam spent his free time.

Dean stood there silently, stunned by Gabriel's protective nature over his sibling. The hunter then realized how much the archangel had changed since the day Sam and he had officially started their relationship.

Dean could see that there was something stronger between them, something he couldn't even imagine how it felt like. He had always been strict with his own feelings, trying to hide them since there were creatures that would gladly use that against him and his brother. It was enough that everyone in the world, apparently, knew how dependent they were on each other and that they could use it as leverage when the right time came. But Sam wasn't the only one whom had found a way into his heart and mind. The hunter hadn't admitted it to himself for a very long time, but there had been times that it had taken a lot of strength to keep it a secret from everyone, even from his brother who had been watching him like a hawk since he had come back from the world of unconsciousness.

Sam was so open about his relationship with Gabriel and Dean had had a hard time to wrap his head around it for a while, since, before Gabriel had died, they had been enemies for the majority of time they had spent together. And suddenly, after he had finally woken up, they were all over each other like long lost lovers. No matter what his little brother would tell him, giving him educational speeches about souls and graces and bonds. He wanted to understand what had changed Sam’s mind and convinced him to see Gabriel in another light, actually forgiving him for everything he had done to them. Alright, Gabriel had taken one for them against Lucifer, his own brother, and Dean did see how difficult that must have been for the archangel, but this was a different level of unbelievable.

Dean had accepted the fact that there was a stronger connection between them after a few chats with Sam, and that it had gotten deeper during the time they had lived together, getting through the struggles of loneliness together. Dean could understand Sam's desire to connect to someone after losing him. His brother had always been more sensitive. But this? There were still questions on the tip of his tongue when he saw them in each other’s arms on the couch, watching some crappy TV shows, just content with one another’s company. Sometimes Dean would catch himself feeling jealous of them, of what they had, but he would always stomp at it strongly in his mind and rather have a drink than think about his feelings. Feelings were bad. It was a weakness he couldn't allow himself to dwell on in his line of work.

Sounds of shuffling echoed from the hall and that was a cue for Dean to get it together as if nothing had happened just moments ago. Gabriel could be intimidating when he wanted to. It was strange to see him pull out the archangel power on him with his vessel so short and quirky. Never underestimate short people, never.

"Dean? Everything's alright?" Sam asked, his brows raised in question and worry. Always worrying, caring. That was his brother.

"Err, nothing. Just blanked out for a while, thinking. Nothing to worry about," Dean said quickly, too quickly for his liking, which alerted Sam even more and his frown deepened, but thank God, he didn't comment on it.

"If you say so," Sam said with that familiar lilt in his voice that he didn't believe Dean but let it slide this once, surely expecting him to spill it out later, "Anyway, where's Cas? I haven't seen him for a while."

"How should I know. I ain't his babysitter," Dean spat out, annoyed, and immediately regretted it when he saw the expression on Sam's face. For fuck's sake, now his brother would be nagging him about it.

"Woah, what the hell, Dean? What happened?" Sam asked, crossing his arms over his chest, obviously not leaving this until they talked. Brilliant. Dean still felt it when Gabriel had pressed him on the wall, now Sam went on with the questions as well. What the hell was wrong with those two, meddling with things that weren't their business.

"Nothing. I don't wanna talk about it," Dean said firmly, looking straight at Sam as he clenched his jaw to somehow convince his brother to drop it with his thoughts. Sam narrowed his eyes a little as if deciding whether it was worth trying to argue with him or not, but after a while his stance relaxed a bit and he sighed in resignation.

"Alright then," Sam said and walked out from the room without another word. Not that Dean knew where since his mind was already occupied with something else, or more like someone else. And his dreams didn't help either. At least he could sleep, though.

Being sure that there was no one to see him, Dean slid down the wall, shaken, still very confused and worried that he had messed up without even knowing what or how. The hunter still didn’t remember much from the time he had been out of it. After meeting Amara and Chuck, Dean’s memories were blurred like dreams, and even though Sam suspected something had been wrong with him, he didn’t comment on it, dutifully waiting for Dean to decide where and when they were going to have the conversation.

But Dean didn’t want to have that conversation. His mind was a swirl of strange thoughts and images, and on top of that, he couldn’t get rid of the dreams he was having about Castiel.

_Castiel._

What was wrong with the angel? Dean had never seen him so strung up and irritated. The hunter knew that Castiel was running from something. _From him_. And Dean didn’t know why. What had he done that the angel couldn’t speak to him without ending it in an argument? Okay, the last one had been a bit his fault as he had accused Castiel of getting into trouble again without help, or not staying with Sam as he had promised. But how could he understand the reasons why the angel had done it when they couldn’t talk to each other properly. Surely, there had to be some explanation and Dean knew when Castiel was lying or keeping something important from him. He could feel it in his bones. Moreover, it seemed that the angel wasn’t the only one who kept a secret from him. Dean wasn’t stupid and he could sense the tension in the bunker, especially, around him, or when they talked about Castiel and what had happened after the hunter had sacrificed himself. Dean suspected that his brother knew something which would explain Castiel’s behaviour, or Gabriel’s protective – and painful – gestures.

Dean sighed deeply as he ran his fingers through his hair, rubbing the tension between his eyes, then massaging his temples in slow circular motions. Deciding whether to go to his room or out for a drink, the hunter didn’t notice his brother hovering just around the corner, contemplating if he should have said something, even though it wasn’t his place to tell, but he wasn't sure if Castiel would ever do that.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I'm really, really sorry for updating so late. I know this is unfair from me, and I'd love to say that it'll change, and I'll update more often, but I can't promise that. Things haven't been ideal for writing lately and I feel that it won't get better anytime soon. But I'll try. I swear I'll try to do better.
> 
> In the meantime, here is another chapter. I hope some of you are still interested in this story. Though I wasn't diligent enough to keep you here for so long, I still hope that this story won't stay unnoticed. Thank you for reading this. I really appreciate it.

# Chapter 3

 

Some things would never change. This permanent uncertainty Castiel was feeling within the core of his existence made him uneasy and unfocused. It was as strong as the feeling which had seized his insides after freeing Dean from the claws of Hell. At that time, it had been the first emotion in his life, gradually growing and blooming in the attention the human had given him through the time spent together. Of course, at first it had been just his duty, orders from his superiors to be close to the Righteous Man, but then Castiel had realized that it hadn’t been just the orders keeping him so near to Dean, fighting for him against his own, against destiny. Not anymore.

Now the uncertainty was back, lurking in the corners of his mess of a mind. Castiel remembered his past and who he was after Gabriel had helped him. He didn’t want to think about the other thing. But there were glimpses of images of his vessel doing something he couldn’t recall doing in his clear mind. That fact made him more agitated and thinking about it was draining him of the energy he could have spent on more important matters. Gabriel couldn’t help him, saying that it was rooted too deeply in his mind for him digging into it with his powers, and then he had suggested another way, which wasn’t even a bit helpful. Castiel couldn’t talk about it with Dean. He was too dependent on him as it was. The bonding was more permanent. What if Dean would freak out? The angel was afraid of losing the fragile friendship they established between each other. Not now when the hunter was accusing him from leaving Sam alone after his presumable death. But when would the right time be?

Running and hiding wasn’t Castiel’s forte. Gabriel would always find him and nag him about his actions and feelings, talking about it as if everything could be solved with a snap of his fingers. Castiel knew his brother’s daring and flamboyant behaviour. But he couldn’t imagine himself acting nonchalantly about such important matters. Maybe Gabriel just hid his own fears and troubles under the mask, but he couldn’t, or didn’t want to.

The angel had been among humans for years now, and it had changed him, shaped him into someone between a celestial being with a few powers left and a human with almost no social skills. He didn’t know who he was anymore. Was he an angel? Or just a strange human with some powers? Castiel couldn’t remember an angel who would do what he had done, except the fallen. And those usually didn’t care about humans. Of course, there were exceptions but many of them had lived through until the end of their lives. Castiel wished he would have never recognized the truth in what had been keeping him nearby the Winchesters from the beginning. Every decision, every move would have been easier for him to do.

“You know Castiel,” a voice behind him startled him, but he recognized the owner and relaxed immediately, “you’re thinking too much about the consequences, about what ifs. You wanna deal with the pain inside of you? Then do something about it. The longer you’ll keep this act of a strong and determined angel, the more it will hurt. And you ask why I’m giving you this advice. Why me? Well, you dumbass, I’ve been through it. I’ve told you already. You’ll never know what it is, what completes you ‘til you take that last step and do what feels right. You know it, you feel it. And still, you’re sitting here, brooding like a child-“

“Stop it, Gabriel! Why are you so invested in my personal life?” Castiel asked firmly, clenching his fists in anger. His brother was determined to drive him crazy, apparently, always following him like a shadow and forcing his opinions onto him. The angel just needed time to think, time to recuperate and decide calmly what to do next. He was afraid of the consequences and these fears weren’t going to just disappear because Gabriel said so. Rushing into this accidently created bond might worsen things and he didn’t want to risk it. Castiel knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, he hadn’t known that there had been a possibility to lose control while saving a soul from Hell. And now, when the bond was even stronger than before, he couldn’t supress it anymore. It was too beautiful to resist.

Maybe Gabriel’s jabs – which his brother thought were reassurances – might have helped him at least to consider letting go and pursue these emotions already engrained deep inside of him. Because, as he had realized, every time Dean happened to be out of his reach, there was this hollow feeling in his grace forcing him to move, to run and find the hunter, or at least talk to him and listen to his voice and strong heartbeat. And of course, it had taken days and days to finally see that he couldn’t run away from it any longer. Castiel’s powers were limited and keeping himself away from Dean - his everything - weakened him that much that he was getting tired every time he flew. The thoughts of all the possibilities swirled in his head.

“Oh, I see,” Gabriel said with a smirk as if he could read Castiel’s mind. He probably had, “you know, I get it. But please, please, just stop running, okay? Dean’s getting suspicious and Sam wants to tell him. And you should be the one to tell him, little bro. Angry and frustrated Dean means trouble and you know it. So, stop sulking and do what feels right.” And with that last word, Gabriel was gone.

Was that truly as easy as it sounded?

Castiel wished to settle things with Dean. The fear of losing himself in these feelings had been strong and kept him grounded before. But the resistance in his mind was getting weaker and weaker each passing day. The angel had kept the emotions at bay for such a long time that when the bond between them had restored itself, stronger than ever before, it had hit him hard, almost knocking him into unconsciousness. He still had questions of why now? Had it been really caused by the fact that he had reached back for the strings Dean’s soul had on his grace? It had been necessary for saving the hunter from the coma he had been pulled into. At least Gabriel had explained the situation to him and Castiel understood the need to do so that way. Unfortunately, at that time he had been so out of it, no memories of his previous life and powers he possessed, that, without any restraints, his grace hadn’t pulled out of Dean’s soul quickly enough, and sunk its clutches into it too deeply to back away. Castiel had acted on instinct completely, having no control over his powers, and as if his grace had known that it had been the only chance to get what it wanted, the bond had gotten too strong to stop its growth.

Slowly coming back out of his head, Castiel exhaled loudly as he willed his nerves to calm down. It had never been easy for him to talk with Dean when something troubled him. The angel knew that Dean didn’t enjoy discussing serious matters, especially his own feelings, and this was unexpected, different and unimaginable for a human to even think about, let alone be a part of something so life-changing. Resisting and denying his grace of Dean’s intense soul had left marks on the bond already. Just the idea of admitting this had ever happened terrified the angel immensely.

At first, Castiel had been afraid of letting go because Dean had belonged to Michael, and it would have been unheard of to take someone from the archangel. And after the Apocalypse had been averted, he had other things to deal with. But now, now Castiel finally understood that it was inevitable. Both had made many mistakes, lied to each other many times.

Still, whatever his Father had planned for them, apparently, He had never wished to stop it. He must have known all along since the beginning when Castiel had touched Dean’s soul in Hell and pulled him out of there. And surely God must have seen the connections between them getting stronger, never interfering. Was it a blessing from Him? Castiel would like to believe so. But on the other hand, why should he even care what God had thought about him? He Himself had given the angel the free will to decide which direction to choose in his life. Why did he always complicate things?

Castiel growled in anger and frustration, spreading his wings wide as he flew back into the bunker to resolve this tension between Dean and him. Running had never solved his problems.

“Geez, Cas, you scared the crap out of me,” Dean hissed, pressing his right palm onto his chest over his heart, and with the other he rubbed over his forehead, “why are you always doing this,” the hunter said accusingly to Castiel, who still couldn’t get over the fact that he was here, in Dean’s room, facing his fears and long supressed emotions. His grace rejoiced in the presence of its chosen, but his mind was a jumbled mess. The angel would like to put the blame on his brother, whose meddling in his affairs had gotten him into this situation, but in the end it was his own fault that it had grown into such a big issue.

Castiel straightened his posture and looked into Dean’s intense eyes. The hunter watched him closely with apprehension as he waited for him to explain his presence here in the middle of the night. There was also slight accusation in those green, mesmerizing orbs, but Castiel recognized fear in there as well. The fact that he had sensed what Dean was feeling wasn’t a mystery for him anymore as he could see his grace and Dean’s soul reaching for each other, helping him so to understand the human more, but still, it was so very new and overwhelming, more intense and clearer than before, and it surprised him nevertheless.

“I-,” Castiel started but stopped abruptly. Not knowing how to communicate it with just words, he cleared his throat even though he didn’t need to, realizing right in that moment how many human nuances he had adopted during his time with the Winchesters, “do you have a moment, Dean?” The hunter’s intense gaze bored into him like a knife, assessing him. After a few moments of staring at each other, Dean averted his eyes and motioned to the chair for Castiel to sit into, uttering “okay” as he himself sat on his bed, leaning slightly on his knees with his forearms.

“What's up, Cas,” Dean said suddenly with a tired sigh, “You’re hiding something from me, all three of you. I ain’t stupid, you know. Being a hunter and all. And I-,” he paused for a few moments, looking down at his hands pressed together tightly as he searched for the right words to express himself, surely. Castiel could see the battle raging inside of him. Dean breathed out a humourless laugh, meeting Castiel’s eyes again, “Something happened in that house, didn’t it? I feel…,” the hunter struggled with words. He cleared his throat, stalling. The angel suspected what it was, “I feel something. I have felt it for some time but I-, I’d never imagined we’d be still alive to ever talk about it.

“You’ve told me once about this bond, or whatever, between us, and after watching my brother with that little trickster there-,” Dean chuckled, rubbing his forehead in a nervous tick, “I think that maybe, it’s real. And I know that it’s too presumptuous to even think it possible, but I don’t know. I just… I just shut up and let you say your thing,” Dean muttered, looking everywhere but at Castiel and the angel understood everything he had said and felt within. It was so hard to even believe this was possible, let alone to be a part of such a vast thing.

“Dean,” Castiel said, willing the hunter to look at him and see – _feel_ – what he felt towards him. The angel didn’t want to admit it out loud, but he loved Dean and there was nothing to stop this anymore. Seeing the hunter doubting himself, his worth, was hurting Castiel more than he would have ever thought possible. His grace was crying for Dean’s soul to finally connect, but Dean’s mind was still preventing it from reach out and make a link. The walls started to crumble slowly under the power of the connection already built between them.

“Dean, look at me,” Castiel waited for the hunter to listen and do what he had asked of him, and when he did, it was like the dam had broken down. Maybe their essences of life had enough of their pining and supressing what was given and override their minds, doing what _felt_ right. And maybe it was the right thing for them both, just letting go.

But suddenly, when the bond had almost formed completely into one entity, the wall between them was building up again, and Dean was pulling away from him. The hunter shook his head and huffed out a laugh, running his fingers through his short hair. Castiel didn’t understand why it was funny to him, because this situation was quite serious and turning into a mess. Dean rejected completing of the bond, again, and the angel was getting desperate each passing second. However, he couldn’t force this on Dean. It couldn’t be forced, and even though his soul wanted it, Dean had to realize it on his own, accepting it wholeheartedly.

“Nevermind, Cas. It’s nothing. I don’t wanna talk about it. Can we just… forget about all of this?” Dean asked almost pleadingly, and Castiel could see the inner struggle within him, the light of his soul changing its colours quickly as it fought with the fear and self-hatred Dean was feeling. And right there, Castiel decided that he would show the hunter that he was worth everything the angel would give him. And even though he needed to apologize for his actions during these past couple of years, Castiel knew that it wasn’t the only thing that was stopping Dean from consenting. They both had troubles with talking things out, coming to terms with everything around them, and it would take time. Time that - thanks to God - they now had.

 


End file.
